I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday. I haven’t been feeling well lately and I really hate going to doctor’s. But I felt the need to do something. For a few days here, I just didn’t feel like myself. I felt kind of disoriented among other things and it was a scary feeling to me. As it turns out, my blood pressure is really high. Higher than it;s ever been.

I will be going over to the hospital on Thursday morning to get all kinds of blood tests and an ekg because I have also been taking little pains in the chest. Most likely this is due from the high blood pressure.

I won’t lie. This scares the hell out of me. I am scared to death of what they might find. I was told I cannot have salt anymore which is very hard for me to do without. But this has scared me to the extent that I am going to leave it alone.

I want to be around for a long time. I am not ready to leave this world yet. I want to see Jordan graduate in a couple of years. I want to get to know my only grandchild. I want to spend holidays with family. There are so many things. Tonight when I was by myself was the first time I cried in a long time.

The sad thing is, I feel alone. What really pisses me off is instead of others making sure I don’t get upset to raise my blood pressure even more, it seems like everything is the opposite . What the hell am I supposed to do. When I try to explain things to some people, I am always wrong apparently. So why f*****g bother.

I will deal with this shit on my own. I have no damn choice. Maybe I was put on this earth to worry about everyone else. Who knows. Last night I slept all of 2 hours.

And the crazy thing is, I am not even tired now. You know, my mom used to say worrying was killing her. She told me that’s what made her so sick. Well I guess it will kill me as well.

I know that’s not the right attitude to have , but it’s the only one i’ve got right now. if it’s not one thing to worry about, it’s another. I really need someone to listen to me for a change. Sometimes I wonder if I am better off just keeping everything to myself. Take everything with a grain of salt and go around smiling all the time.

I guess there really is no point in all this worrying about my health until I get the tests done. Then I will deal with it on my own. Whatever the outcome may be. Well I bitched enough for tonight. Just had to relieve the tension. Take care all and lots of love.